WHEN JOY FEELS DANGEROUS
SAFETY
Recent clients have expressed that joy did not feel safe in their homes of origin . When they felt joy, a parent or primary caregiver often reacted negatively. As I reflected on this I realized that the same was true in my childhood home.
ISOLATION
I can now understand this phenomenon better. My father likely suffered from PTSD from his experiences in World War II. I suspect he felt left out when other family members expressed joy. Perhaps he even felt out of control. When the entire family reflected his sadness or anger, he must have felt at least a level of being understood and included.
VETERANS
This was never more apparent than on military holidays such as Veterans Day and D-Day. I remember the Veterans Day when I was eleven. I woke bubbly and happy. As soon as I entered the breakfast room, I realized that any expression of joy must be hidden deeply. My father was ranting that no one in his family appreciated the sacrifice “they” had made for our freedom. He was right. At eleven I had no frame of reference at all. And, since he was suffering he had no way of speaking coherently to explain. Only 23 years after his passing did I find an article he wrote telling of any of his experiences of war and feel empathy toward him instead of fear of his retaliation.
SHAME
When He shamed me for not understanding and acting “inappropriately”, it felt as if the shame blocked my aliveness, my sense of self. Something must be wrong with me and I couldn’t understand what it was so I was helpless to fix it. I did not feel safe to laugh or play. I didn’t feel fully alive. I had to keep happiness away in order to feel safe to be me. This made me feel empty, tired, exhausted from all the effort to hold down my natural childhood joy. This was explained beautifully in a recent podcast by Dr. Ruth Buczynski entitled Mastering the Treatment of Trauma in Session 5, The Steep Cost of an Unlived Life: How to Help Patients Who Struggle to Feel Alive After Trauma. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk mentioned in this podcast, if human pleasure isn’t safe in our homes, our brain may not develop to give and receive pleasure. We may be deprived of our own aliveness.
CONNECTING
“Did I ask Dad to explain his anger?” you ask. No way. I learned to stay as far away from him as I could on those days and many other days. New Years…when the balloon on his loan was due. (No wonder New Years doesn’t feel festive to me.) Anniversaries of deaths of his sisters and uncle which were never discussed . Crop failures. Arguments he had with mom over Christmas trees. Bills arriving from our orthodontists, prom dresses, or music lessons. Even our birthday parties. How dare we feel joy when he was so miserable? I never knew when joy was safe.
CENSORING
Even though I now have more understanding, I still don’t quickly feel joy. A spark of joy surfaces and I cognitively reflect on whether or not I feel safe to express it. This reflection seems to dull the exuberance of the joy.
GOOD NEWS
The good news is that this shame can be released so that we can feel safe in our aliveness and our joy.
RELIEF
I think I’ll do an HMR Level 2 and imagine taking all the Karen’s who were afraid to experience joy to my safe place and ask them what they’d like to do today which would make them feel joyful. It’s now safe to do that. I’m thinking strawberry ice cream, blowing bubbles, watching clouds, rocking on the porch and giggling. I don’t need anything extravagant. The small things are meaningful and precious, especially to a child.