COMING OUT
PSEUDONYMS - What a strange word.
When I first published my story, I used a pseudonym. I always said that was because I didn’t want to upset my mom who was in her 80’s at that time. I suppose that was true. I also now realize that I used that pseudonym to protect myself. Somewhere down deep there was a part of me that was afraid that my mom would retaliate in some way, either by asking my brother to sue me to stop the publication or perhaps by disowning or shaming me subtly and graciously as she was prone to do, accomplishing manipulation while maintaining her sense of properness, if that’s a word.
QUIET - So, until this year, I kept quiet about the book. My husband knew, primarily because I spent so much time on it. My daughter knew, because she played an important role in my confidence in its telling. A few cousins knew. Two of them were involved in it and two others were close enough to always wonder what might have happened behind the doors of our house. They all encouraged me to keep it quiet as long as mom was alive. Management at a center for women’s healing in another state knew because they helped edit it and offered me my first chance to tell it publicly. A theatre group associated with Louisiana State University knew it because they produced it in workshop format as a play for a small audience. Otherwise, no one knew.
WHAT?! - That level of knowledge or lack thereof was comfortable for me for years. Now, as my practice working with those who have suffered similar trauma has expanded, I know that I must no longer stay in the shadows with my story. Accordingly, I recently checked Amazon to see if my book was still available there. What a shock! The photo with this blog shows what I found. So, it’s available, but at $907.99! And that’s the cheapest one!
I can only guess how it got to that price point. It must be because there are so few copies in circulation. It’s certainly not because it was ever a best seller. I decided to be brave and email family members the photo showing the price and offering them a free copy. So, my story is now out.
I know the photo attached here isn’t great. I’m still learning this new fangled technology. (When I was in college I learned to write FORTRAN and my Office Machines class consisted of the new copy machines and ten-key adding machines. I communicated with family by snail mail because long distance rates were so high.) So, in case you can’t read the name of the book in the photo attached, it’s NEVERMORE by Cade Soleil.
When thinking of a pseudonym, I tried to find a name similar to Karen and Cade popped in. The lady at the women’s center looked it up after publication and told me it meant a lamb abandoned by its mother. Appropriate, huh? And I chose Soleil because I remembered being nicknamed “Sunshine” in my first job out of college. Being awarded that name was my first experience of believing I had something good to offer the world. Thank you, Bill, for that.
IN CASE - The good news is that I happen to have a box or two of the book left, so feel free to contact me if you’d like a copy. $20.00 will get it to you anywhere in the US. It’s not long, graphic, or a thriller. It’s written in the form of a play and who wants to read a play for relaxation? But, if you or anyone you know has experienced abuse as a child, it might be validating for them to read it. The play format is because the words spoken by me and family members meant everything. I was unable to explain my experiences but I hinted at it as much as I could at young ages and others in the family found words to squash, divert, or deny. Others who read it can be reminded of the roles they played and share the book or their stories with family to begin deep healing. That’s my hope and prayer.