Shame versus Guilt
( This photo is from my book cover. I planned to put a link so you could purchase it on Amazon, but when I checked there, the cheapest one was over $900.00! I have no idea what’s going on with that, but if you’d like one, I will ship it in the U.S. for $20.00 including shipping and handling. Just contact us if you’d like one. It’s title is Nevermore, and my pseudonym is Cade Soleil as author.)
One topic that comes up often with clients is shame. In fact, UNTIL shame comes up, many other
emotions stay buried. Shame acts as a heavy blanket covering other emotions. That makes perfect
sense. If we are holding shame, we don’t think we deserve to feel anger or other empowering
emotions.
Now, clients rarely call me to help with their shame. They often call me to help with their heavy
burdens or even their back or shoulder issues (from carrying that heavy blanket of shame, I suspect).
One day I’ll look back at my records to see just how many begin with shame, but for now, let’s discuss
shame as it differs from guilt.
Entire books are written about the differences, but most of us still get them confused. One of my
favorite books about these two is Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise, by Jane Middleton-Moz. I
highly recommend it to clients and therapists.
My own interpretation of the differences in these two is based on my own experience, of course. As a
child of about nine, I had a dog that meant the world to me. He accepted me for me, was always glad to
see me, and even licked my face when it was safe for me to emerge from hiding from my raging father.
One summer we were leaving in our green station wagon for a two week vacation out west. We
stopped at Grandma’s house on the way out of town to leave my precious dog. As my dad burned
rubber leaving in a rush, I heard my dog yelp.
The entire two week trip, my breathing was shallow as I begged my mother to let me call Grandma to
see if Shag was okay. Mom assured me that she had checked with Grandma and Shag was fine. I wasn’t
convinced.
At the end of the two weeks and upon arriving at Grandma’s, I leapt from the car expecting Shag to
greet me. When he didn’t, I asked Grandma where he was. Her simple statement was, “Oh, I gave him
to two little girls who came by here. They didn’t have a dog.” When I cried, no, sobbed, she said,
“Shame on you. You have so much, and those little girls had so little.”
I realize now that I sobbed from loss of Shag, but also because I was devastated that my beloved
grandma apparently was not tuned in enough to me to realize how very, very much I depended on that
dog for love, acceptance, and even safety.
Now, at age 68, I realize just how much her few sentences that day affected my entire life. I have
worked my entire life. I’ve had money and other material blessings but never enjoyed them. I even was
ashamed of it. That shame certainly restricted how much I shared it and used it to bless others. If you
read my book, Nevermore by my pseudonym, Cade Soleil, you’ll see why money also became so
important to my safety.
But, let’s get back to guilt and shame. Through my experience, I now tell clients that guilt is about
something we DO that is wrong and for which we should find reparation. Shame is about WHO we are
and that there is something inherently wrong with us.
In my opinion, no baby comes to this earth with either guilt or shame. They may have been conceived in
a way that represents either, but that shame or guilt belongs to their parents. They come in clean.
Shame is what is placed on us by others, often because of their own shame over a situation. When it is
placed on us by a primary caregiver and early in our lives, we feel it is ours to carry. We take it on as a
part of our being, even.
A minor statement such as, “Shame on you” or “You ought to be ashamed” voiced toward us by a
person who is important in our lives can stick to us and overshadow our own essence.
So, I encourage you to reflect on guilt and shame. What have you DONE for which you need to make
amends and what have you heard or felt about yourself that came from an important person in your life,
weighed you down, but didn’t belong to you? Take this as an opportunity to remove that heavy blanket,
return it to the person who placed it on you, and breathe any healing colors that come to mind to let
your body feel freedom from that shame blanket.
Oh, you probably won’t be surprised to hear the rest of my story. When I was almost 60 years old, I
mentioned to my mom that I just could not understand why my precious grandma gave that dog away.
(Grandma was gone by then.) Mom had a surprised look on her face and said, “She didn’t give him away.
Your dad ran over him.”
SHAME or GUILT?
Mine or theirs?
Keep healing. K